AUDIENCE: Say, do you hear the… never mind. Does Les Mis begin underwater? I don’t remember this from the stage production.
VALJEAN: Behold, I am a dirty and sad-looking man among dirty and sad-looking men.
CHAIN GANG: We are a dirty and sad-looking choir of sorrow.
JAVERT: I’m standing in a high place. You’ll see me doing this often. It has nothing to do with authority issues or a troubled childhood among the scum of the earth. Nope.
FRENCH FLAG: *is lying meaningfully in the mud*
AUDIENCE: I guess this is going to be one of those symbolic movies.
JAVERT: Hey, you. Pick up the flag on that heavy mast over there for no reason whatsoever!
VALJEAN: Okay. *picks up flag on heavy mast for no reason whatsoever*
JAVERT: After that irrelevant task, you are free to go—
VALJEAN: J
JAVERT: —with identification papers that prevent you from living even a halfway decent life.
VALJEAN: L
BISHOP: I am kindly, elderly, and magically appearing! You know what that means!
VALJEAN: It means...you’re my Catholic fairy godmother?
BISHOP: We can work with that.
HOUSEKEEPING LADIES: Feel the burn of our judgment, hobo.
VALJEAN: I must experience a dramatic rebirth before the opening credits, and so I need a suitably dramatic setting in which to shred these identification papers. I think this graveyard will do.
AUDIENCE: Yup, definitely one of those symbolic movies.
SUBSTANTIAL PIECE OF TORN PAPER: *drifts into 1823*
PEOPLE OF PARIS: And the plague is coming on fast, ready to kill~
AUDIENCE: Wait, doesn’t the line go, “And the winter is coming on fast, ready to kill”?
PEOPLE OF PARIS: Well, winter is coming was kind of already taken.
FACTORY WOMEN: Look at Fantine in her modest pink dress, the skank! We should read her mail.
FANTINE: No, you should not!
FACTORY WOMEN: Ooh, would you look at that! She’s got a secret child!
FANTINE: Your mom has a secret child.
FACTORY WOMEN: ?
FANTINE: It was one of those comebacks that sounded better in my head.
VALJEAN: *swoops in, now with better hair*
VALJEAN: What’s going on here?
JAVERT: *appears in high window*
VALJEAN: Oh crap, it’s that cop with authority issues.
VALJEAN: Foreman, just…deal.
FOREMAN: Okay, what’s actually going on here?
FACTORY WOMEN: The girl in the modest pink dress is a total skank!
FOREMAN: I knew it! Women with boundaries are always secretly awful. OUT!
FANTINE: That escalated quickly.
JAVERT: It seems to me we may have met~
VALJEAN: Your face is not a face I would forget~
JAVERT: …what do you mean by that?
FANTINE: There is nothing about my situation that could be manipulated into anything remotely humorous.
JAVERT: You remind me of a man.
VALJEAN: What man?
JAVERT: The man with the power.
VALJEAN: What power?
JAVERT: The power to lift heavy objects.
VALJEAN: Lots of people have that power.
JAVERT: Yeah I guess.
JAVERT: What’s going on here?
SLEAZY GUY: I accidentally wandered into prostitute territory, and they are vicious. Women without boundaries, am I right?
JAVERT: It’ll be off to jail for you, dying woman.
FANTINE: BUT I HAVE A CHILD.
JAVERT: That’s what they all say. Oh, hey. What are you doing here?
VALJEAN: Being a badass.
FANTINE: You! You ran off when I needed you most!
VALJEAN: I will see to it that you can die in peace.
FANTINE: There aren’t very many other options for me at this point!
JAVERT: MONSIEUR I AM A TERRIBLE COP. I BASICALLY DESERVE UTTER SHAME.
VALJEAN: Nope. No authority issues at all.
JAVERT: I mistook you for a runaway who broke his parole.
VALJEAN: Is that…so?
JAVERT: But we caught him!
VALJEAN: Is that…so?
JAVERT: Yup. He couldn’t outrun the law forever!
VALJEAN: Hm. Yeah. We’ll see, won’t we?
JAVERT: What was that?
VALJEAN: Nothing, nothing! Just…go about your business!
VALJEAN: Once more to the throes of torturous moral conundrums!
AUDIENCE: How many crises of conscience is this man going to have during this movie? He’s already had two, and it’s hardly been half an hour.
VALJEAN: I am 24601!
DERPY VALJEAN LOOKALIKE: Whoa I thought this kind of crap only happened on TV!
COURT: By “24601” do you mean “high”? Or perhaps “mentally unstable”?
FANTINE: It is fairly obvious that I am dying now.
MINI COSETTE: *appears*
FANTINE: My Cosette!
VALJEAN: Um, I hate to break it to you, but Cosette isn’t going to be here for aw—
MINI COSETTE: *disappears*
FANTINE: *dies*
VALJEAN: This is all a bit sad, isn’t it?
JAVERT: Fancy seeing you here.
VALJEAN:
Can this wait? I promised my Catholic fairy godmother that I’d do my best to
mitigate human suffering. Or something to that effect.
JAVERT:
…I’m not even going to ask. Fencing?VALJEAN: I don’t see why not.
JAVERT & VALJEAN: *musical fencing*
VALJEAN: *leaps into unidentified body of water *
AUDIENCE: ?
JAVERT: I draw the line at swimming!
MINI COSETTE: I am a beautiful child and my situation is very sad. Maybe I am secretly a princess? Wait, no, that’s not a good thing in this historical era. Never mind.
MADAME THENARDIER: On your way, Cosette! No one likes you!
MINI
EPONINE: Seriously though. Everyone who sees this musical hates you. All
teenage girls think that they’re me. And in this movie, I turn out way hotter
than you.
MINI
COSETTE: My life is so unfair.VALJEAN: I have come to save Cosette from your evil clutches.
THENARDIERS: …what evil clutches?
VALJEAN: Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m taking Cosette away.
THENARDIERS: Oh no, we can’t have that!
MINI COSETTE: Somehow I was expecting something a little more along the lines of “don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”
JAVERT: Did you know that I have exactly one hobby? It’s walking precariously along high ledges. I am 100%sure that nothing terrible will ever come of this.
VALJEAN: Cosette, wake up! You must be very quiet. We have to sneak around the gates of Paris.
MINI COSETTE: This isn’t going to cause me any future trauma, right?
VALJEAN: *flourishes rope *
AUDIENCE: ?
VALJEAN: *ascends/descends walls*
MINI COSETTE: I seem to have been adopted by a ninja master.
CARRIAGE DRIVER: How long have I been driving this empty carriage?
SOME YEARS: *pass very quickly*
GAVROCHE: I’m here to give you a political summary and some rudimentary philosophical discourse while looking cute as a button…that is, a button that’s been rolling around in the dirt for a bit. You’ll fall for me big time, and when I die later you’ll be emotionally scarred.
ENJOLRAS & MARIUS: Preaching revolution to the masses! All eyes on us!
ENJOLRAS & MARIUS: Also, we are pretty fine.
ENJOLRAS & MARIUS: Do you think these things are at all related?
PEOPLE OF PARIS: Sorry, what were you saying?
JAVERT: I manage to be everywhere despite not having a first name.
EPONINE: Hey Marius. Are you at all interested in this foxiness?
MARIUS: Hey Eponine. Gotta run. Catch you later! J
AUDIENCE: WHERE ARE YOUR EYES, MAN?
MARIUS: Just walking on this street, very casual.
COSETTE: I am super cute and blond and wearing a hat!
MARIUS: HOLY CRAP IT’S A GIRL.
AUDIENCE: I guess he found his eyes.
MARIUS: Listen, Eponine. I need you to find this girl for me. I am instantaneously, madly in love with her.
EPONINE: WTF.
MARIUS: I knew I could count on you to help me out!
EPONINE: This is, like, beyond the friend zone. This is, like, the GPS zone.
MARIUS: There was this girl…
ENJOLRAS: Are you kidding me?
MARIUS: If you had only seen her, you would understand!
ENJOLRAS: Not into girls, remember?
MARIUS: You’re not? Wait, does that mean...do you have a crush on me, man?
ENJOLRAS: No, dumbass. I’m into France.
MARIUS: That kind of explains your irrational actions later in this movie.
COSETTE: Gosh, that slightly creepy guy who was staring at me on the street was pretty fine, but being in love is a bit challenging when you are the loneliest girl in the entire country of France.
VALJEAN: Cosette, I worry about you. I feel like you might be the loneliest girl in the entire country of France.
COSETTE: Papa, why don’t you tell me about your mysterious past in order to shed some light on why I am the loneliest girl in the entire country of France?
VALJEAN: Nope.
COSETTE: Well, then. Off to the garden to meet with my newfound love in spite of your commands!
MARIUS: We are madly in love!
COSETTE: We are perfect together!
EPONINE: You only love her because she sings a higher voice part! Nobody ever pays any attention to the voyeur mezzo!
VALJEAN: Cosette, I am completely overreacting to a scream I heard on the street outside! That’s it, we are moving to England!
COSETTE: My life is so unfair.
EPONINE: In the rain, the pavement shines like silver~
AUDIENCE: Would you look at that? It totally does.
EPONINE: All the lights are misty in the river~
AUDIENCE: And…wait. What river?
EPONINE: In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight~
AUDIENCE: Okay, I don’t think we’ve seen a tree since Mini Cosette was lost in the forest.
EPONINE: I’m just going to sit down here while I finish my song about walking.
AUDIENCE: …
EPONINE: The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers~
SHADOWY STRANGER: *walks past*
AUDIENCE: I guess now we can’t complain about the total absence of anyone else on the streets?
ENJOLRAS: Watch me stop an entire parade with my magnificent good looks!
PEOPLE OF PARIS: Gladly.
MARIUS: Mine, too!
PEOPLE OF PARIS: Even better.
ENJOLRAS: People of Paris! We need all your furniture!
LES AMIS: Why? We already have enough empty chairs and empty tables.
ENJOLRAS: We need them to build our barricade.
LES AMIS: Seems structurally unsound. Can we use this cow?
COW: ‘sup.
ENJOLRAS: Exactly how drunk have you been for the entire time I’ve known you guys?
BARRICADE: *appears to have two coffins displayed front and center*
AUDIENCE: You know, there’s a difference between foreshadowing and taking a brick to the face.
GAVROCHE: A letter from the barricade!
VALJEAN: You stay away from that barricade, okay?
GAVROCHE: …what barricade?
ENJOLRAS: Okay, everyone! Time to fight!
MARIUS: YES!
EPONINE: *is shot*
MARIUS: NO!
EPONINE: Marius, here’s a letter from Cosette. Also I love you.
MARIUS: Oh dear.
EPONINE: *dies*
MARIUS: SHE’S DEAD.
AUDIENCE: AND WHAT DID YOU THINK THE PRIMARY FUNCTION OF GUNS WAS?
MARIUS: Can’t…stop…stacking…chairs…
ENJOLRAS: Marius, you need to take a chill pill.
VALJEAN: Oh, so that’s Marius. Huh. I sure hope he doesn’t die.
SOLDIER DUDE: If you’d allow me to make a suggestion—now would be an excellent time to surrender.
ENJOLRAS: I regret nothing!
LES AMIS: We do not feel the same way.
GAVROCHE: *dies*
AUDIENCE: Remind us why we are even watching this movie anymore.
AUDIENCE: No, seriously, remind us.
AUDIENCE: Because it’s starting to feel like a long time.
ENJOLRAS: I’ve just been shot dead, but even though I’m hanging upside-down out of a window I’m still sexy as hell. People of Paris, you are lucky that it is my fine self on display here rather than, like, Courfeyrac or someone.
VALJEAN: Let’s take this show on the road. And by “on the road” I mean “into the sewers.”
JAVERT: Where are those funny sounds coming from?
VALJEAN: AUUUGHUHGGUHAAAUGH.
JAVERT: That’s weird.
VALJEAN & MARIUS: *slide into sewer*
THENARDIERS: Oh, hey. What are you doing here?
VALJEAN: Being a badass. Which way to the exit?
THENARDIERS: That way.
VALJEAN: *hoists Marius over shoulder, wades through incredible filth*
AUDIENCE: Excuse us while we physically recoil from the screen.
VALJEAN & MARIUS: *emerge from sewer*
JAVERT: *has never seemed cleaner*
VALJEAN: Can this wait? Catholic fairy godmother, human suffering, you know how it is.
JAVERT: Despite my rabid enthusiasm for hunting you across France, I think we had better end this here. Don’t take another step.
VALJEAN: *takes step*
VALJEAN: *keeps going*
JAVERT: Huh. That usually works.
JAVERT: So remember that “high places” motif that has nothing to do with power and authority issues?
PEOPLE OF PARIS: We eagerly await the invention of the garden hose.
MARIUS: I am a portrait of a broken man.
AUDIENCE: At least you aren’t shot dead and hanging upside-down out of a window.
MARIUS: Small consolation when you are surrounded by what are presumably the last remaining pieces of furniture within a quarter-mile radius.
COSETTE: Yay! Everything is going to be perfect!
MARIUS: You will never understand my trauma.
COSETTE: Have I ever told you about the time I was adopted by a ninja master?
VALJEAN: I have something very important to tell you, Marius.
MARIUS: Hooray! Man-to-man confidentiality!
VALJEAN: Long ago there was a prisoner who broke his parole and began living a lie to save himself and continued living a lie to save those whom he loved.
MARIUS: I might be way off base here, but I’m sensing a connection between you and this mysterious character you are describing.
VALJEAN: Don’t tell Cosette, okay? She’ll be devastated by my life of lies, even though I have been nothing but good to her for years and years.
MARIUS: That makes sense.
MARIUS: No, actually, it doesn’t.
VALJEAN: Tell her I’ve gone on a journey!
MARIUS: I expect a more convincing alibi from someone who evaded the law for 20+ years.
MARIUS: He said to tell you that he’s gone on a journey.
COSETTE: ?
MARIUS: That’s what I said!
THENARDIERS: Hey, how’s it going? We want to tell you about Cosette’s adoptive father and the corpse he was carrying through the sewers. We took the dead man’s ring.
MARIUS: Hey, that’s mine…
THENARDIERS: Oh.
MARIUS: And you know what? I’m not dead. WHICH MEANS I CAN PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.
COSETTE: I may be missing something here.
MARIUS: Cosette, we are going to see your father!
COSETTE: Yup. Definitely missing something.
VALJEAN: I think I’ve led quite a fulfilling life.
COSETTE & MARIUS: WAIT NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
VALJEAN: I was just about to die in peace.
COSETTE & MARIUS: NO YOU CAN’T DO THAT.
VALJEAN: Well, no one really asked you...
MARIUS: Cosette, your father saved my life!
COSETTE: Nice of you to let me know now, I guess?
FANTINE: Hey there. Thanks for everything.
VALJEAN: Fantine…
FANTINE: Let’s go.
GHOST VALJEAN: *stands up and walks off all casual*
GHOST VALJEAN: So, Catholic fairy godmother… how’d I do?
BISHOP: You did great, son. You did great.
GHOST ENJOLRAS: Attention, people of Paris. My beautiful face has returned for your enjoyment..
LES GHOST AMIS: Best. Barricade. Ever. We know good engineering when we see it.
GHOST GAVROCHE: Hi.
AUDIENCE: AUUUGHUHGGUHAAAUGH.
AUDIENCE: Okay so there were some weird things about this movie BUT I FORGIVE THEM BECAUSE I HAVE SO MANY AMAZING AND TERRIFYING FEELINGS RIGHT NOW.
